Occasionally, someone will send me a Facebook message with a question that’s been bugging them. Why do bad things happen to good people? Are traditional African beliefs incompatible with Christianity? How come I’mstillsingle?
That last question is the toughest one so far and people ask it in different ways but they’re all asking the same thing: is there something that I’m doing that makes me undateable? After suffering a painful rejection (unrequited love y’all) I asked myself that same question. And this post is the fruit of some observations I made about myself and my friends.
There are many reasons why people stay single for a really long time or for all of their lives, many of which are out if their control, I don’t dispute that. But in my process of deep introspection, peer reviewed academic research and statistical analysis, I’ve found that the number one thing that makes people undateable is
Over- spiritualising the process.
You could be doing it without even realising it; maybe you don’t see it because you surround yourself with people who are doing the same thing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard a guy or girl tell me that they believe that God brought Eve to Adam so they’re waiting on God to do the same thing for them. Taken to its logical conclusion, we should all be wearing fig leaves and waiting for God to bring us clothes made of animal skin.
That’s just silly.
Don’t get me wrong, I believe that the dating process is a very spiritual thing. And I believe that God should be at the centre of all that we do, including dating. But just as no one expects God to deliver an Economics degree into their lap, knowledge of financial markets included; you shouldn’t expect God to drop off a boyfriend to your doorstep, with roses in hand.
Today, I want to bring the process down to earth and apply some practical wisdom to the process. I think there are things that we’re all doing that may be hindering our dateability, do you see yourself in any of these?
1. You’re a serial friendzoner.
This is you if you have a friend that your friends say is just perfect for you but you insist that he’s "just a friend" or "just a brother". Well, hello, great marriages are built on a foundation of friendship!
2. You can’t relate with the opposite sex.
If you’re a man and the closest you’ve come to relating to a woman is asking the till operator for cash back, then you’ve got serious problems. You need to start getting comfortable with relating to people of the opposite sex.
3. You’re waiting for Idris Elba/ Ryan Gosling to propose.
I used to have a ridiculous list of things that I applied when I was considering a guy. I was always weighing a guy up against the mental picture I had in my mind. Eventually, I had to let go of him because he didn’t exist and he never would.
4. You’re still nursing a broken heart.
If you’re still recovering from a break up or a rejection, you’re going to struggle to be open to pursuing a new relationship, probably because you’re not over the other guy or girl. Your focus should be on getting healing.
5. You have a fear of rejection.
This fear manifests in different ways. Maybe you project a false persona because you’re afraid that people won’t like the real you. Or you avoid getting close to people because it never ends well. At the root of this fear is an identity issue.
Do you agree with my observations? Which one of these have you identified in yourself? I know that I’ve only scratched the surface and probably brought up many questions. That’s great, leave a comment and we can start a conversation!
Thanks for reading.