“Close your eyes, make a wish
And blow out the candlelight,
For tonight is just your night…”
Boys II Men
This is one that even I am having difficulty writing right now- so awkward! March on my soul be strong!
Do you remember what it was like the first time you got onto a bicycle? After years of begging for one I got a pink BMX bike for my 7th birthday. My sister Annie would take me outside on my bike every day after school. It was a painful process. I cannot tell you how many times I cycled into my mother’s flower beds because I could not find the brakes. A few weeks after the first time, with a lot of practice, I finally got the hang of coordinating all my limbs.
My first time was my hardest day on that bike, I still have the scars but it looked so easy from a distance!
Hollywood sells us a dream
Let us exercise our imagination a little bit. Imagine two people, let’s call them Anna and Sipho, sitting in beautifully decorated hall with everyone they love all around them. It’s their wedding reception, the ceremony was everything Anna always dreamed it would be and Sipho can’t believe that he’s finally hitched to the girl of his dreams.
It is getting late so Anna and Sipho say their goodbyes and hop into their marital automobile. The guests wave until the car lights disappear from sight.
[Fast forward 20 minutes later.]
Anna and Sipho arrive at the cute apartment they’ll be sharing as newlyweds.
What happens next?
Don’t go too far! If you are like me then you have probably filled in the gap with scenes from your favourite romantic drama. Everything goes perfectly and it’s all so beautiful! You seamlessly go from standing in front of each other (cue piano) to breakfast in bed.
But is that really what it’s like? I’ve eavesdropped on a few married women’s and men’s conversations about their first time (cause I couldn’t bring myself to ask!) and I want to share some of the thoughts that I have gathered from them. These are things we would normally only talk about in private amongst friends, but hey, it’s Trench Coat Thursday!
I will call each issue a “hump” that might stand in the way of a
mind blowing destiny altering record breaking. beautiful wedding night and in answer to each, there is a hope. Do consider each hump and share what you think the hope is:
I) Hump: Even young men grow weary. I’m always so tired after a wedding and I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be for the bride and groom – both physically and emotionally! You’ve been on an emotional high all day, and between the photoshoots and tens of people coming to congratulate, hug and kiss you, everything must be a whirlwind!
Can you imagine having to get it on after all of that?
A few weeks before he got married, a guy friend of mine told me that he did not care how tired they were, he had waited for 28 years and he would not wait one day longer! So while the exhaustion may be a factor, for a lot of us I think that may won’t be a deterrent!
The hope: “But those who wait upon GOD get fresh strength.” 😉
2. Hump: Nakedness is really scary. Blame it on Eve and Adam, they made it awkward for us. Sex was obviously designed by God to be a picture of what vulnerability looks like. There is a physical, spiritual and emotional dimension to nakedness and I imagine that it must be hard to trust someone enough to see all of you, especially if it’s for the first time.
3. Hump: Coming in like a wrecking ball. I hope you will forgive me for misappropriating Miley’s words here. Most of my friends are either virgins or have become celibate and are waiting until marriage before they are sexually intimate. And all are expecting to have mindblowing sex on their honeymoon night. Especially the guys. I’m a bit worried that they’ll approach it like a game of rugby Many of us know the mechanics of sex but don’t know the art of it or how to deal with any issues that may come up. Like hygiene. Hollywood has not taught us that. We are not professionals!
4. Hump: Baggage. Inevitably, each person will bring baggage into the relationship, it could hinder intimacy. Things like previous sexual partners, porn addiction and sexual abuse.
At least we have a lifetime
Fellow future first timers (whether it’s your first first time or your second or third and so on), do yourself a favour and check out boundless.org ‘s Groom’s Guide to the Honeymoon and something for the bride. Don’t be shy, both articles are tasteful and will not lead you down a dodgy path.
The point of this is not to get you panicking about your wedding night. Obviously, when the time comes, premarital counseling will be necessary. But we must begin to think about ways in which our minds need to be renewed about this and to share your thoughts and questions in the comments section below.
Thanks for reading.