Did God Make a Mistake? Same Sex Attraction and Gender Identity, Gcobisa’s Story

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*This is a continuation of my series of blog posts about homosexuality and the issues surrounding it. Use the tag “Homosexuality” to lead you to my other posts on the subject.

*Warning: This post contains references to sexual abuse and sex. Here is another story from a friend who graciously agreed to share her story with us. Again, I have some questions at the end of this post that you can engage with. Please feel free to ask some direct questions, the author has kindly agreed to answer any questions you might have!

When I was about six/seven years old I was molested by two boys while we were playing hide and seek, and ever since I was awakened to the sexual side of me, only thing is, my sexual awakening was not for boys, but girls.

Somehow I knew what I felt was wrong but it was so intense. I grew up as a tomboy, dressed in baggy clothes etc. I always felt out of place because of what I knew inside, I was in the closet for a very long time because I was scared of what people would say about me, I was obviously different.

Sometimes I’d wonder if God had not made a mistake, that maybe I was a boy stuck in a girls body.

I even used to think that when I grow up I would leave South Africa and go to America and have a sex change.

My first girl to girl sexual encounter was when I was nine years old, she was about the same age and had come to sleep over at my house. sleeping in the same bed, that night she told me stories of how she had witnessed some girls having sex with each other and asked if we could try it out. I was scared yet at the same time excited because this is what I had been wanting to try out for the past two years of my life. It felt good, so we did this until we were about 14/15, she had a boyfriend and then suddenly told me she couldn’t do this anymore.

I won’t lie, I was crushed, not because I loved her, but because I didn’t know anyone else who would meet me in that area of need.

I was half in half out of the closet because I hated feeling the way I felt for girls, but something in me told me that’s who I was as much as I tried to deny it on the inside.

So I ended getting into relationships with boys because I was too scared to come out completely. Sad thing is, when I was having sex with them, I often imagined I was with a girl or just switch off emotionally.

In November/December 2007 I met a girl and I fell for her hard, I told myself right there and then that she’s gonna be my reason for coming out. I was going to stick with her, I wanted to marry her. But before I could gather enough strength and courage to come out, the Lord got a hold of me, something strange stared happening in my life. I felt like I was dying and inside me was a voice telling me to go to church. So I asked her if we could take a break in our relationship because I needed to figure out what was happening with me, well let’s just say she put the up after break. After about two months of struggling with this inner voice, I obeyed and went to church and my life has not been the same since.

The first thing I said to God was, “God if you are real, if you are the God you say you are then I don’t want to feel this way, I want these feelings to go away. I want to be the person you created me to be.”

No I didn’t stop liking girls immediately, but I did feel like a truck load of weight had been taken off my chest. I’ve been saved/born again five years now and I’m happy to say I no longer find myself sexually attracted to women. I know the woman I am and am getting to know the woman I am. It was not easy, I had hiccups along the way, but I kept pressing on through prayer, fasting and reading the word of God and choosing to believe in what He has said in His Word and the finished work of Christ on the cross. Though I am not yet perfect in my ways and My identity is still being uncovered in Christ and will continue until He returns again, I have been set free from the chains of homosexuality and sexual immorality.

One thing I must say though is how I was disturbed by the ignorance of the church towards the issue of homosexuality. It’s either they are being bashed or ignored.

I would see homosexuals walk in and out of church week after week and no one seemed to be bothered and if they were, they were gossiping about them rather than sharing with them what the love of God has done for them through the cross in Christ Jesus.

I know it’s often said that we are a fatherless generation, but come to think of it, we are orphans, because even though our mothers are there physically and financially, most of them are not there emotionally and do not have time to teach us how to be women. This is also in the church, we need the older women to avail themselves, pray and mentor us and teach us how to be, not just godly women, but women.

Questions:

Has this story helped you to understand same sex attraction and gender identity? Explain.

Do you think it is possible for a person to change?

What role do you think the church can play in addressing issues of sexual abuse?

Do you think that women not knowing “how to be women” is an issue in the church?

Thanks for reading.

shula

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